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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Changes Changes Changes

Ok so when I was in grad scool I didn't finsih. I got pregnant and the last two classes I had to take were impossible for me to attend. I was getting a Masters in Ed and one of the classes waas called "Mainstreaming Exceptional Students".

Harmless title right?

The class was all movies of kids who had had these tragic birth defects. I was so flipped out after the first two classes I went and dropped it. It made me have nightmares and I would have to get up all the time to go and throw up.

I just couldn't deal.

The other one was Technology in the Classroom. I had no idea what anyone was talking about and would just burst out crying for some weird reason since I couldn't get the subject matter at all.

It was just this crazy time for me. My husband really didn't want me to be pregnant, I was without any family in CA, I was living in LA, I just was having this really really bad time with myself then.

I just sorta stopped working for a while when the baby came. I did some part time stuff as a grad student and worked with kids at the university, I got this job doing parent ed workshops three mornings a week, you know I did stuff here and there but nothing really approaching a real job.

I had another baby.

My husband traveled for his work all the time so it was just me doing the kid thing and I wanted to be there for them and I didn't need the money so I just back burnered working.

I had lost confidence totally in that part of my self and wasn't sure at all what I would do when my youngest went to school all day.

A close friend of mine has a consulting business and asked me to come and join her. Her old partner left after nine eleven when business went thru a slow cycle and she wanted someone new to hook up with.

She offered me a nice deal, she keeps twenty percent of my fees and I keep 80....I bill out at 1800 a day, and charge thru the nose to write programs, do focus groups, attend conferences to rep different organizations and generally have done very well at it, much to my overwhelming amazement.

I bought a couple of nice 700 suits, I figured out how to use spell check and Outlook fairly well and I managed to overcome my fear of gong into the real world and talking in front of people.

Last week I did a key note to 250 people.

But thats not really what surprised me. Thats not what I wanted to tell you.

I wrote this program on Time Management. I pretty much just pulled it out of the top of my head. The stuff I read I thought was stupid so I just made up new things.

I hate when people just talk and talk during a class so I came up with about 7 activities. People can do them in groups.

Well one of them says that you should imagine yourself getting a beautiful important award. I tell people to picture the trophy. Everyone you love has come to honor you. And thank you.

Two people, one from work and one from your family are giving speaches about your achievements and what you mean to them.

Write the speaches. Tell me what you want them to say about you.

Well one guy looked like he was going to cry and he got up and left.

He later told me that he was thinking of his college aged daughter from whom he was estraged and he got up and called her to apologize.

I didn't know what to say.

THe father thing is a painful place for me and it was all I could do not to just throw down my Coach briefcase and run out of his office sobbing.

Anyhow, I am going back to meet with these guys on the 7th of october to write more programs for them.

When I got back from NY I cried myself to sleep thinking about my father. During my adult life he and I have been very close, but I have to say that his death has really come between us.

For a number of years I didn't speak to him at all. The details aren't important but lets just say three of my siblings didn't speak to him either.

One day he apologized to me and I accepted.

It changed my whole life in a way I can never do justice to in words.

This is a work thing so I can never tell this man what happened to me. I never ever tell them about me, I always let it be about them. When for Petes sake does it ever get to be about them?

They all have these horrible boring jobs, they sit in cubicles, they sit on trains and buses for hours every day just to go to some stupid fucking job they hate. I figure one person for a little while can just let it be about them for a while.

I know I am rambling. As I sit here at my desk I feel like crying about the whole thing with my Dad.

What I find so odd about death is the permanance of it. People don't stop being dead. They stay that way forever.

You never ever get to see or talk to them again no matter what.

Its a hard concept to grasp for mere mortals but thats the way it is.

3 Comments:

Blogger Abbas Halai said...

you should make use of the spell check in blogger too it seems. =)

8:52 AM  
Blogger callieischatty said...

......no, I don't use it on purpose.

Everyone needs someplace where they can just be themselves don't you think?
;]

10:44 AM  
Blogger EXSENO said...

Sound good Callie,
I'm sure you're doing a good job, are you enjoying it too?

I hope so , I think it would be great for you, you are helping others that's rewarding.

11:28 AM  

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